Okay, so I haven’t done this in quite a few years, and even then it was more of a cry for attention than for genuine help, but I am hitting a point in my life where I feel very alone, and unable to voice myself well enough, even to my closest friends. This is where I turn to you guys, the Internet. I feel like out there, somebody, somewhere may be able to identify with me.
I am you average 19 year old boy, battling through all the usual modern issues of feeling insecure, ugly and being gay. I have always had this huge contradictive personality, and many people that know me would only ever identify with me as being that happy-go-lucky guy with a hint of arrogance that walks into a room and bam, manages to make himself the centre of attention with his humour, and general ability to socialise. While this may be true of me, increasingly I feel like I am constantly just trying to please absolutely everyone. I feel like I cannot go a day with being completely myself. Maybe it’s a confidence thing? But I feel like I go out of my way to either put myself above people, away from people or on the opposite end of the spectrum to make myself so unbelievably close to people that they can’t not love me.
Because of this, many a person has hated me, for one way or another. Which is fine, I mean if people don’t see me for the person that I am, then fuck ‘em, right? Well yes, but when you constantly have a stream of people finding me unbearable on both ends of this spectrum, you find a very small niche of people actually get close to me. I have all these acquaintances, many of which I feel see the relationship I share with them as fleeting and superficial, and so I have very little to do with them. I then have this special group of people, my friends. My friends all know that as a friend I go above the bar in helping them with every, and any issue that they have (something that I am starting to think is a defence mechanism I have to avoid my own issues). I do this, unconditionally until I feel as though I get betrayed by them, or equally as often they find the relationship we share to be far too intense and that they feel as though I depend on them too much, and they me. This has lead to much heartache throughout my life, where friends have detached themselves, and used the ejector button to distance them from my friendship. And of course, this continues to happen today. Most recently is one of my best friends, of whom I felt we were so strong. She has grown to believe that my friendship is far too intense and suffocating, and she has drifted. This has really gotten to me, especially as she is very close to another of my best friends.
And of course, the assumption I know you’re making, this issue is even worse in relationships. Before moving to University, after much deliberation, my then boyfriend and I decided to separate because of distance. While I think that this was definitely the best choice for both of us, I have come to realise just what I had with him, and just how perfect he was for me. He has to be one of the only people to have ever tamed that part of me that is so full on, and turned me into this calm, content and happy person. Now obviously the choice was a logical one, we both needed to get on with our lives, and achieve what we wanted from ourselves without a relationship in the way, as that would have complicated things. I will never forget one of the last conversations that we had, where he had told me that it was fine, because once we had done everything we had needed to do and years after we had even longed for each other, we would find each other again…just because that is fate. This has always stuck with me. That boy may have been right, but it would be ridiculous for us both to put our love lives on hold until that point. Okay, so moving on to my life since. I have met a random assortment of guys that have always turned out to be disappointments in one way or the other. I have come to realise very recently though, that a lot of these guys have been far less invested in me than I have in them. I set myself up for it every time, come on too strong and scare them away. Either that or something else messes it up. Am I not over my ex? Is this me being lonely? I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYMORE.
I feel so lost, and so unsure about myself, and I have no idea how to improve my life. I have grown a lot in the past couple of months to stop being so reliant on people, and to understand that it is okay to be alone once in a while. Having said this I still can’t bat this feeling of not being good enough for anybody, and the whole insecurity of never being able to be so (too ugly, boring, nerdy…yadda yadda). Also on a similar note, there’s this guy who I genuinely saw as being the next guy I could fall for, and I did. This hasn’t ended well, and a lot of stringing along happened while I was dating him. He is friends with a lot of my friends though, and in the same friendship groups. I don’t know how to shake him because it is hard to get over something that you have to see so often, and hear about. Do I distance myself from the group? Move on with my life? Fight for myself and stand up for myself?
So much uncertainty…
Anyways, thanks for listen to me drone and moan for the past however many words…this has really helped.
Mucho Lovo :)
“And I know it’s long gone, and that magic’s not here anymore. And I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all.”